Life from the Cascadian Front

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Dec. 26th, 2007

12:47 am - Philosophy on Marriage

Now, I don't want anyone taking this for more than it is. Don't read between the lines, I have a tendency to not say things to have many meanings. In other words, What I say is What I mean!

Over the past several years, anyone who has been close to me knows that my life has been stable in some aspects and unstable in others. This is normal for most people, of course, and definitely normal for someone in his twenty-somethings. But the factor of instability has shown me that no matter what you know about yourself or someone else, people change just the same as the time on the clock. This has a major affect on love and happiness. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that love and happiness change as well.

You today are not the same person as you will be in 5 years let alone in the next 10 or 15 years: in five years something completely different may make you happy, you may find an interest you'd never had and forget the one you have now, your life plans may be the exact opposite of what you have right now. External factors play a part as well, of course, in what direction your life takes you. Five years ago, if you'd have asked me what I wanted to do for a living when I "grew up" and presumably joined the workforce, I would have said that I wanted to become an actor, writer, or a director. While I still would love to do those things, they are entirely unrealistic as well as not exactly what I think I'd be good at.

To this end, we must agree that, as everything in life changes over the course of time, love must be, in some ways, similar or the same. And to THAT end, we must agree that a conventional marriage can be extremely risky in it's institutionalized, set-in-stone format. Therefore, I have adapted my own Philosophy on Marriage. This is thanks to many people who have been in my life (including Kami, Joel, and my parents).

*DISCLAIMER* CHRIS, WHEN READING THIS, UNDERSTAND THAT I SINCERELY LOVE YOU AND AM NOT IN ANY WAY IMPLYING THAT I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. I AM SAYING THAT MARRIAGE IS FOOLISH IF SET IN STONE AS HUMAN BEINGS CHANGE. NEED CONFIRMATION? LOOK AT YOUR PARENTS!  LOOK AT MY PARENTS!  LOOK AT LANE'S PARENTS! LOOK AT SHANE'S PARENTS! WHICH FAMILY(IES) DO YOU THINK FUNCTION(S) BETTER AND IS/ARE HEALTHIER? WHICH FAMILY(IES) DO YOU THINK IS/ARE HAPPIER?*END DISCLAIMER*




MY PHILOSOPHY ON MARRIAGE


Everything in life is temporal, as are love and marriage.  Sometimes love fades away, even if you work extremely hard at it.  Therefore, whoever I marry must agree to this philosophy of marriage:

We are two different people. We don't need each other for survival, and if we do need each other, one of us is not mature enough.  We cannot rely entirely on each other for everything and any one thing.  Emotional support is included in this. I cannot emotionally support you 100%, some has to come from you, and some has to come from friends and family.  The same goes for you to me: You cannot support me 100%, some has to come from myself, and some needs to come from my friends and family.

Marriage is in itself not an end to life and love. It is an ongoing struggle and a full time job.  Once you are married to me, it does not mean you will be married to me for the rest of your life. You are not giving me your life, and I am not giving you mine.  We cannot give each other our lives, as they are our own.  We can give each other love, but while doing that, we are fully capable of still loving others.

In our happiness as individuals, we cannot rely on one another alone.  I cannot be the only thing making you happy, and You cannot be the only thing making me happy. We need to be content with ourselves before entering marriage.  Two parts do make a whole, but that whole is still made of two parts; if one part does not function, the other part cannot necessarily fix it.

As we agree to all these being true, marriage becomes fluid and ever changing, just as time and ourselves are.  Our rings will be forged of wood and burned every five years until 30 years have past.  Every fifth marriage anniversary, after burning our rings, we must part ways for at least two months and live separately, without correspondence. For these two months, we are not a couple.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and if at the end of the two months we feel the need to return to each other, we will renew our vows or make new ones for the next five years.  This should give us time to clear our minds of problems and to take things into perspective.

On a practical note, if we have children, they will be taken care of by a family member or a friend and we will visit them periodically as individuals.

Current Location: The Silverdale House

Current Mood: pensive

Current Music: The Long and Winding Road -- Let it Be, the Beatles

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Dec. 22nd, 2006

Sep. 7th, 2006

Jul. 24th, 2006

Jul. 22nd, 2006

Jun. 26th, 2006

01:53 am - Pride weekend and IRV work

This past week was Pride in Seattle, but Chris and I didn't get to go really. I went up for Saturday night, to go to Neighbours with Kami and Ilan (her ... friend, the Russian Jew who just got out of a relationship. GO FOR 'IM KAMI... but not too soon, let him recover first). It was crazy.
But let me start earlier in the week. IRV.... CIRV-Pierce County! I sit on the board, as Vice President, of the organization to get Instant Runoff Voting in Pierce County, and, as Pierce County is basically the only place in Washington where it's even an issue right now, I'm basically the Vice President of anything going on with IRV in the entire state of Washington. GO ME! But it's going to be a bit of a battle.
IRV (Instant Runoff Voting) is, obviously, a form of vote tallying. It combines the Primary with the general election by allowing voters to chose their first second and third (or fourth and fifth) choices of candidates in any given race so that, if your first choice, the one you really WANT to win doesn't get enough votes, your vote isn't wasted, and it can go to your second, and if they don't win... you get the picture, right? The point is to allow more flexibility and make voting easier and even enjoyable. Votes for the first choice would still be noted as first choices, but no vote would be wasted... you could vote for your Green party member, or your Libertarian, but still not just allow the Republican (or Dem, if you're evil) to win. It also more accurately shows what people are thinking and feeling, without compromising the future *cough cough Nader*
So it's to be put on the next ballot in November for Pierce... and I'm the Veeper of the Pro-Campaign. One of the most important people in Washington State politics... and that's not flattery there... ok, so it is.
The meeting about this was earlier this week... it was a sort of reunion for us since we'd been inactive for nearly a year. We brainstormed ideas for adds, and tried to figure out who's support we need and yadda yadda yadda... We've got some work to do, but it'll be fun, and hopefully, it'll pay of in a really big way.
But, as I said, this was also pride week, and I got to go to Seattle for Saturday, the party night of pride. Sadly, we didn't get to go to Neighbours. Instead, we went to a very low key bar where they brew their own beer. It was really good, and extremely dark. I couldn’t see through it, it was so dark. On top of that, Ilan and I had two shots of whiskey, while Kami only had one. And as a side note, DON'T do shots of whiskey... NOT fun... the after effects are certainly enjoyable... but it's not fun stuff to drink like that.
Twenty minutes, and two cigarettes later, we were all very drunk and walking through a park. I don't know which one, but it was on or near Broadway. We came upon a statue and noticed that the statue had a cell phone and was talking on it. We introduced ourselves to the statue, who's name was Cody, and talked about how Kami (who was drunk) was the DD (Designated Driver). OH! Right, I almost forgot, the Statue said that the Jewboy was cute (that would be me...) and gave Ilan his number to give to me... if I ever need a DD. So we talked about DD's and how one of his ex-boyfriends was killed in a drunk driving accident. I mentioned that several of my friends had died that way too, and that I would never knowingly allow that to happen to another friend of mine. Eventually, we wandered off, then looked back, and the statue was gone...
Most of the rest of the night is a blur, but a very good blur.
Today was a beautiful day outside, and I'm extremely sad that I didn't get to enjoy it until tonight, when I was walking home from Shane', and I enjoyed the last of the cloves I'd been left with... no more cigs, no more cloves... I'm going to quit now. Or at least try and definitely cut back a lot.
Next weekend Bruce and I are going out, probably to Neighbours, then to chill wherever he lives... then ... we must go to Settle on Sunday to go to the Tropical Deli... I'll probably cry, since It'll have been well over a year since he, Joel, and I have gone there on a Sunday. I miss doing that. I really miss it.
Have a good night and a good day; and if I don't post tomorrow, good night again.
-The Jewboy

Current Location: Taco Town

Current Mood: excited

Current Music: Stop the Dams - Gorrilaz

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Jun. 25th, 2006

Jun. 18th, 2006

Jul. 5th, 2005

09:59 pm - The past three days

Yesterday was Chris' birthday. He's 20 now. It was a good day, I feel, but the days immediately surrounding it have been horrible.
On the third, Chris found an old picture of Alan while sorting through the stuff in the desk drawer. I had been in the kitchen at the time he found it so when I can out to bring him the food I'd made him, he had already been crying, but was trying to hide it. Chris is not very good at hiding his crying, so I knew that something was going on. I went over to try to find out what had been going on to make him cry. In Chris fashion, he wouldn’t tell me what his feelings were, and, more over, wouldn’t even speak with me, rather he gave me the cold-shoulder. For the rest of the day and night, he continued not to really talk with me, even though I asked him several times what was wrong, how I could help, and all of the other questions you ask in that sort of situation. It was like I didn’t even exist.
The next day was his birthday; happy birthday Chris. His mood lightened throughout the day and by mid-day (at about 7 at night) he seemed really jovial, and much like his normal self.
We went to Hannah’s house for a kind-of birthday party with her, Shane, Whitney, Lane, and a gay boy Hannah knew from myspace called Noah. We played games, talked, lit off fireworks (which is illegal in Tacoma) and then watched the city’s firework show from Hannah’s lawn. Noah, as it turns out, lives in South Tacoma. It was late at night by the time we all left and he had no place to go really since you DON’T want to walk through South Tacoma at night (it’s the really bad area of town), so Chris and I offered him the bed in the living room at the apartment.
Hannah’s house isn’t far from ours so we walked, along the way all three of us talked much about politics, then the topic changed to music when we got home. Chris is not a music buff, and never will be, so this was not a conversation he could partake in, but I hadn’t talked music with anyone since moving down here, and I needed my fix, so the conversation went on for a very long time.
It was after 1 in the morning by the time I decided it was time for bed, and by then, Chris was sulking again.
We went to bed, Chris again giving me the cold shoulder. A few minutes before I was going to drift off into sleep, Chris asked, “Why me? I don’t even know music.” I was appalled. I couldn’t answer it. I said what was truest in that I didn’t really care that he didn’t know much about music because he was the one I was in love with. I related it to my parents (Chuck and Shelley that is) and how my mother is an art historian and Chuck is a mathematician who doesn’t really know anything about art, but my mom loves Chuck more than just about anything in the world short of her kids. So instead of talking music and literature with him, she talks about it with Mr. Barrett. Yes, she loves Mr. Barrett, but she loves Chuck more, and what’s more is she’s not married to Mr. Barrett, she’s married to Chuck.
At that we went to sleep.
This morning felt very awkward. Especially after Noah left. Chris was crying again. I took my shower, and when I came back into the bedroom, he was sitting at the computer, and his face looked puffy. I asked him if he’d been crying, he just nodded. I held him for a while, while he cried some more. I then just sat around, lost. I didn’t know what I could do. He wouldn’t tell me anything. You can’t go through all of that emotional stress all alone, nobody expects you to, but he’s forcing himself to.
He went to take a shower, but I knew the real reason he went into the bathroom was to cry alone. From there I heard everything. It hit me hardest when he cried out, “That was the dumbest thing ever!”
At that, I got dressed, got my keys and my bag and left the apartment. I couldn’t be there for that, and I shouldn’t have, but I needed to be at the same time; I needed to be closer to him.
When I came back he was in the bedroom folding laundry. I sat behind him on the bed and started asking him questions. “Are you ok?” “Jeremy, that question is too broad. Narrow it down.” “Are WE ok?” “That question is still too broad.” “How are you?” “Hurt” “Hurt how?” “I lost something” “What did you loose?” “A future” “Do you not still have a future?” “Jeremy, it’s different” “Do we have a future?”
I... I don’t think he answered that.
At this point my body was feeling overly stressed. I expressed to him that I was about to fall asleep.
We made food. The plan was that Whitney and Shane were going to come over and take Chris and myself out to a gaming place, then I guess to a sex toy store; I’d never been into one on account that I’d never had my I.D.
I was still tired though. When I get stressed out, I just shut down. So he went, and I stayed, and slept, for three hours, dreaming bad dreams.
He came back at around 6, I woke up thirty minutes later. The tables seem to have turned; now I’m the depressed one.
I don’t know what to do. It feels as though we’re going to fall apart. The best thing that ever happened to me is disintegrating under my feet, and the person, for lack of a better term, causing it to do so won’t tell me even why, nor how I can help make it not.
I’m very dependant on Chris; this may be a very, very bad thing. But when it comes down to it, I am dependant on him in every way; ESPECIALLY emotionally. He’s the love of my life, and I don’t want to loose that. How can I stop this from happening? How can I fix things? Are they even fixable, or should I be looking for a way out? And if I should be looking for a way out, how would I even survive that?

Current Mood: cold

Current Music: U2, One

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May. 2nd, 2005

12:47 am - Dear Jesse hear the laughter running through the love parade

Quick update on my life so far:
Chris and I are doing very well. We're most likely moving into an apartment come the later part of June, meaning I'll be living in Tacoma (at least it isn't in kitsap county, and is a city of a moderate size). And because of that, we're consolidating certain aspects of our lives. For instance, we're going to have a joint bank account and what not. So, there you go, I'm growing up, and that makes Amy very sad.
But today was very important for us; we started our cell phone plan, a family plan witht two phones on it. And due to that, i have a new number. I'm still with verison, my number is 253-651-2472. It's a Tacoma number, so from silverdale phones it's long distance, but again, I'm still on verison, so if you have that, it's still free to call me. But as you can see, this is the first step to consolidating our lives and basically becoming a full blown couple.
After that, we went to Great Clips to get Chris' hair cut (it was indeed time) then to the waterfront where we were going to lounge and talk politics, and probably read cradle to cradle or something like that. But once we got there, it was chaotic because a b-day party was apparently being held there. So we went to the big ... world cement thingy and commented on how screwy it was. I mentioned that i'd never been to the Old Mill park so, since we weren't doing anything really, we just walked over there, it was moderately boring. Pretty, minus the numerous huge blackberry bushes taking over the whole thing. We then surfaced back into the world of Silverdale roads, and I noticed that the Clear Creek Trail was directly across the street from where we were, so, we walked almost all the way down that, the entire two miles (if you live in the area and haven't done it, do it, it's actually really pretty.)
So, a few hours, and several pictures later (it's a camera phone) we decided that we wanted foods. AND that we didn't want to make foods, but rather to have them made for us, but we didn't want fast foods, because fast foods are bad for you. So we went somewhere we hadn't been in more than two years, we went to the place we origionally met at: Bahn Thai. The food there is delicious, wonderful, and ... just perfetly Chris and me. But, what about desert? Safeway ice cream will suffice, with chocolate syrup. So, we did that, walked back home (it now being after six).
Back at home I noticed Justine was online, and, needing her number (because for some reason while most numbers were transfered from my old phone over, a few weren't, and hers was one of them). I said hey (or something to that effect) and she said back that she felt like she was going to cry but that she'd tell me about it later. I asked for her number, gave her mine, then went upstairs to eat the ice cream. While trying to cajole Chris to ask my mother for a ride (seriously, she's nothing near scary when she's not mad) i turned around to see a crying Justine. It turns out that her mom raked her over the emotional coals for her going on a date with a tatooed, peirced asian (An). Why care about those things? I vow never to judge my kids boy/girlfriends by appearances or what-not, but on how they treat my child, afterall, that's the most important thing.
So we (the family) tried to cheer Balloons up, and U think we did a pretty good job, got her laughing quite a bit. And while mom drove Chris and me down to the ferry docks, Davin, Daren and Justine went out to get stuffs from the store. She seemed in a much better mood. I'm really happy my family helps her like that. It makes me feel like we're more of a family, and that most of my friends are liked if not loved by my family (which they mostly are, actually).
Now I'm sitting here writing this entry, since i haven't written one in a long time, and getting ready for bed.
That was my day, it was a good day, Very good day.
Oh, right, and my phone number is now 253-651-2472
Ciao!

Current Mood: hopeful

Current Music: Dear Jesse, track 7, Like a Prayer, Madonna

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Apr. 3rd, 2005

Mar. 28th, 2005

11:23 pm - .. too lazy to come up with something to put here...

I've had a reletively interesting weekend. I'll start with Friday (though i don't remember much about it).
Chris had been over here for the middle of the week, the last time he'll be able to do that since he has school every day for this quarter and might have a night job anyway (crosses fingers, GO GET IT!). So he was still here come friday, when I woke up with him. Every time I wake up with him it seems like the first time. I went about my day, letting him sleep some, then I brought him food. I think that was the morning I brought him breakfast in bed, but it might not be; they all seem a blur right now. We had cleaned out a drawer for his clothes. He spends engough time up here, he might as well have one, and it's just one more way to solidate our relationship; the cerimonial, "you can have a drawer," thing. It was an easy choice, giving him the drawer.
OOOO, I just thought of something. Ok, I think it was last week, or the ... weekend maybe. Chris was over, hadn't any clean clothes and was (for somereason) folding my laundry (which I don't mind, I mean, I usually don't do it) So I went upstairs to get some food, I think, and when i came back down he was fully decked out in some of my clothes. it was SO adorable too! like he usually is. AAANYway-
He went home that day to get clothes and what not, and I sat around and did nothing, bought some (ok, all of) margaret cho, and went to sleep. i woke up around 8 or so in the morning to a phone call.
Me: hello?
Chris: Are you at home?
Me: Yeah.
Chris: Can you open the door?
Me: Oh shit, I didn't make coffee!
I went to the door and there he was, soking wet and shivering, holding bags. I was SO happy to see him though. he came in, got his stuff situated, then we tried to go to sleep, but his body was so cold that he NEEDED to take a shower to warm up, or else he'd have caught pnemonia, and then I would have been REALLY sad. Anyway, he came back and soon enough, I had to officially get up and work for my mom. He rested while I worked (sparatically checking up on him). Then I had to go to real work for four agonizing hours, only thinking about being home and with him, watching cho. When I got home, the whole (or most) family was here: Phil, Davin, Chuck, Mom, Kristina, Bobby, Tramon, and Traniece. So, he met my family, and Davin decided to put ice cream into Chris' hair, therefore bringing him into the family in an... odd way. So, he passed the first familial test.
The rest of the weekend was equally good. I got to spend plenty of time with Chris, and we talked about my potentially running for state legislature as a gren in olympia.
Last night we were talking about some really heavy things, and I really hope we talk about them again sometime soon... like... tomorrow. Things that would change the rest of our (Chris and my) lives.
Well, it's time for sleep. School starts tomorrow, and I have to be ready to go by 7 in the morning so... hmmm
G'night.

Current Mood: good

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Mar. 25th, 2005

02:33 pm - CHRIS!

WOOT. ok, through all the drama and general suckiness, i'm actually now OFFICIALLY in a relationship with CHRIS! I'm NOT fucking this one up. it's TOO GOOD. w00t!
Ah, and as far as the job front goes, i'm still looking at that job in seattle and have recieved three out of the five (even though i only need three) letters of rec, and i got to read two of them... both of the ones i read made me sound like i' the PERFECT person for the job.
on another note, chris got me to thinking about running for state legislature... but i'd have to run green because on a local level, that's what i am... a green, card carying (soon to be card carying, that is)... but then the question is, where would i run? olympia? seattle? silverdale (yeah right!) or... bellingham maybe? hmm, maybe point roberts.... oh well, that's not for another year or so. Ciao!

Current Mood: hopeful

Current Music: Basement Jaxx, Rooty

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Mar. 20th, 2005

10:48 pm - my messy weekend

The past few days have been some of the most turbulent days in my life to date. They're nothing in comparisson to late feb last year whem i ended up stranded with nothing but the clothes on my back in the middle of eastern oregon. but never the less, they've been interesting and an emotional rollercoaster.
thursday night i talked to chris. i ended up talking him into coming up here the next day (under the premis that he would be picking up his ddr pad and playstation) early in the morning. he got here around 11 or 12 i believe, then he went to bed for a little while. while i finished some of my work. we walked to my work then he hung out at the mall. he was to hang out with justine after she got out of work. you can see what they did by checking out justine's blog about circut city... well, for that matter, you can find out what happened the rest of the night by doing so.. but anyway... yeah. i got off work at the usual time... it was an uninteresting day at work if i remember. but anyway, i was greeted by justine, chris, and much to my chagrin, alan. it's not that i don't like alan, he's really cool person, just... well, he's ... with chris ... this will be explained later in the entry here.
now, we all went back to my place, alan went up to hang with davin (as davin and alan are fairly close friends) while chris, justine and myself went to my room to watch maraget cho's notorious C.H.O. eventually alan and davin joined us and we were all piled on my bed watching cho do great standup comedy about "if day men had a period... what do you mean IF?"
then it came time for justine to go home. now, it had been the plan that chris was going to stay the night with me, wich is one reason i really didn't want alan around. so justine said that she was going to go home (at this point, davin was upstairs and we were watching eddie izzard, dress to kill) and alan asked if he and chris could have a ride to his place... i just curled up an wished for it to go away. well, it didnt right then, and neither did either of them. justine went home, chris alan and i got into a really big discussion, chris and alan went out and talked for a while and i just ... lost it...
oh, for those of you who don't know it, i'm manic depressive... anyway
i think i walked out of the house with the cat at one point and walked around my neighbor hood... all i really remember is being very cold and alone.... then i remember being in bed and hearing alan wisper my name. then the next thing i remember is chris being in my bed next to me.
I woke up the next morning and chris was indeed next to me in bed, both of us in nothing but our boxers as we clung to one another. with alan sitting on the bed. Chris got up, i stayed in bed. alan and chris went up to davins room where they talked for a long while. i, in emotional distress, went up (after putting on some pjs) and curled up on the futon in my mom's office. apparently alan had gone home at some point the night before, then came back over really early in the morning. mom walked into the room and asked me what was going on exactly, since it was in her house and it did involve her son. i told her as much as i really could. adding that chris has made me feel better than anyone else has before in my entire life. when i'm around him i have this incredible "i can" feeling and, he doesn't have to do anything to make me feel that way. basically i told her taht i've completely fallen in love with him.
with that she gave me a hug then told me that lynda had gotten into digipen (CONGRATS LYNDA! I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!) and asked me to sort a bin of books (which i never did)
eventually, alan and chris ended the discussion, alan stayed in davins room, and chris went to mine... at this point i was in the office down stairs. chris came downstairs and was going into my room but stopped in the laundry room, facing my room, away from where i was. i was in the repackaging area peering around the corner very tentitively at his back, worried. my mom came up behind me and asked me very quietly if i'd ever told him how i felt. i hadn't, i'd told him that i loved him, but not of the extent.
he walked slowly from there into my room, as i peered on. i walked from where i was to the door of my room, where i again tentitively peered to him, facing my bed.
i asked in a scared, worried, quiet voice if everything was allright. it wasn't. i asked, i can't remember what i asked, i just remember the answer was, "well, i'm still here."
this meant he'd left alan. he left alan for me a final time. i took the chance to go over to him, wrap my arms around him and whisper in his ear how i really felt aobut him. that he makes me feel like i'm the only person in the world, or at the least, the most important. and nobody has every done that for me.
we just lay down on my bed for a while, talking. eventually i got us some food, pointing out that while we may not feel hungry, we hadn't eaten in a while, and that meant that we would be running out of enrgy soon... and more to the point, i wanted to feed him right then... give him an attemt at breakfast in bed.
we had oatmeal and tea.
later alan came down and talked to chris for a while. after alan left (chris had told me that i should try to keep myself from being in the same room as alan) i asked chris what alan had said. aparently, alan is being fairly congenial about all of this, this time around.
the next day and a half were nearly bliss. a little worry for the future, but mostly just talking and... well, none of your business frankly. but, i do confess that i love him.... i'd rather die a million deaths than to not be allowed to be with him. i know it sounds sappy, and i know it sounds ultra gothic and cheezy, but it's true.
anyway, today at work i got to do drivethrough, again (though i haven't been alowed to do it for about three or more months now) and there were these new people from the wheaton way taco bell working with us (one was a manager fillingin for ours because ours were all out for the day... and you can't have a store open with no manager). they were entertaining, especially the girl who went on drive with me. she kept on tricking me into doing her job, and my job at the same time... allowing her to do nothing.
that was basically my day at taco bell... after parting ways with chris with a kiss and a hug at the door.

Current Mood: loved

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